You know you love me.

He was such a big part of my happiness. When he left, he also took it away. I’m trying to build back my happiness on my own.

I feel so tired from the constant pretending to be happy at school, but what I really want is go to bed and forget about everything.
I’ve talked to two of my close friends recently, asking them why I’m scared, and what the hell is wrong with me. Surprisingly, both of them helped me quite a bit.
I guess what I want to know and what I need to know is whether he’s still waiting for me to get better, or is he trying to forget me and get over me right now.
What I need to do now is to get “better”, and by get better I mean to convince myself that he isn’t like the others. I didn’t even realize how badly my past affected me until I had this conversation with my friend:

Me: Do you think I’m scared because of Kyle?
Friend: And Totti
Me: oh fuck

And another convo with another friend:

Me: but I don’t even know know why is it hurting me
Friend: because you love him, you misunderstood him, you’re magnifying the whole thing
Me: What if when I add him back and talk to him, he doesn’t love me anymore?
Friend: then let it be. You can’t force it right? Yes it will hurt. yes i see that you dont want to let him go because you love him. youre afraid of losing him, you love him too much. yeah you’ve been hurt once in the past i can see it was pretty bad and you are deeply hurt. but you cant treat each relationship like the last.

She helped me so much I don’t even know how to thank her. The scary thing is that I’ve never talked to her about my past relationships. I don’t even know how she can see that I was hurt.
I’m posting this because I hope others who are going through shit like me to think about what my friend said.
Right now I just need to know where do I stand.
All the best. x

I miss Canada so much, and seeing and reading posts on tumblr how some Caucasians can’t stand staying in Richmond because Caucasians are the minority in Richmond makes me feel horrible.
I love Richmond, and I miss it there so much. But seeing it change so much over these years when I’m not there breaks my heart.
I just want to be there right now.
Out of a lot of places, I miss Richmond centre the most. I have mix memories of it from way back when I was living there, to more recent memories. I miss Deep Cove a lot too. Although I’m not sure if I went there with my parents, Deep Cove became a very important place to me. It was the place where I felt peace, anger and happiness. It was the place where I lay there on the grass for the whole day while staring at the sea. It was the place where I felt the sun dancing on my skin.
But it was also the place which started giving me hope with him. The hopeful glances, the laughter, the friends. I remember the second time I was there, we hiked up to a quieter place in deep cove. It was beautiful, but there were a lot more rocks by the seaside. I remember turning the rocks to another side, and found a few little crabs scattering for shelter. I remember squealing in surprise with my friends, while hearing the loud laughter when he did the same thing with his. I remember the secret glances we shared.
He made a great impact in my life. He brought pain to a whole new level to me. I remember the months when I came back to Hong Kong. I remember my heart aching whenever I thought of him, screaming at my friends when they brought up something that reminded me of him. I remember myself reading through the messages we sent to each other late at night after I came back, and me throwing my phone on the floor with such force that I can’t even turn it on the next day. I remember my family being so frustrated at me because of my constant sadness and lack of caring for anything. I remember my mom yelling, screaming and hitting me because of the negative attitude I showed towards her.
That’s when I started to take out the blades I guess. The following months were dark. I went from blades to stealing my dad’s alcohol from the fridge, and seriously considered suicide at one point.
I’m glad I didn’t.
I’m sorry if you’re reading this. Canada just brings back a lot of memories, both good and bad. I’m going off topic because I wasn’t even planning to write such a long essay about Canada. I only wanted to share a picture of Deep Cove. But oh well.
I swore to myself before that I would never return to the country after that summer, but I honestly love the place too much to be affected by just one person.
Canada, I miss you.

Lie

Tell me you love me.
Promise me that you’ll stay.
Tell me you won’t leave.
Lie to me.

Life’s not a movie

Life’s not a movie. You will never have a happily ever after. Life would just push you down again and again. Life gives you challenges one after another.

I’m lost in its challenge. Already losing. Failing. But not giving up.

Why did life take away the guy I loved so much away from me? Then gave me one that I have no feelings for? Made me fall for the wrong guy. Then have my healing wound stretch open again?

Why is it so easy to love yet so hard to forget? Life gives you no pity. You’re on your own to do the best.

If only I’m in a movie. Let me be the most unpopular yet the most beautiful girl on set. Then here comes the hot guy. He looks at me. We fall in love. We have a fight. We breakup. Then the hot guy chases after me. We makeup. Get married. And have a happily ever after. The end.

If only. If only.

Life’s not a movie. Only you can make your life better. Make yourself shine from the crowd. Be loved by others. And have your own happily ever after.

Change

As we grow older, things that were once important to us starts to fade. We’ll forget about it entirely and would be replaced by something better.

That’s the same with love and relationships. Friends come and go. Loved ones would leave us. Boyfriends would change. It might be a shame for something so good to leave us or grow apart from us. But remember- God would never take away something from unless He decided to replace it with something or someone much better than the last.

There’s always a bright side of things. In a breakup? The bright side would be that you can always go out and meet someone new. Someone better. Never lower down your expectations, as you’re not only insulting yourself, but also telling yourself that you don’t deserve someone better.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.

When life gives you something bad, prove to life that you can handle whatever challenge it gives you by making the best out of it. I’m a person who believes in fate. But I also believe in God. I believe that God is there, looking after us, guiding us in life.

But if I do have to say the truth, I cannot say that I’ve never felt like I’m being abandoned. I can’t say that I’ve never question if God is really there or not. But when you’re really feel confused, trust your instincts. You want to ask someone out? Take the chances. That’s the worse thing that could happen? Prepare yourself for the worse. If he really does say “no”, well, leave with your head held high, a smile on your face. I mean, it’s his loss. Make him regret the choice he made. Who knows? Maybe a few years later he’ll be thinking, “Damn I should have said yes!”