I’m afraid to move on. I don’t want to move on. I want to get better, yet at the same time I want it to get worse. There’s nothing I can do now, if I can, I would fly to your country right now and just talk to you and make you understand. But even if I do go now, I wouldn’t know where to go.
When this realization hit me, I realized I know next to nothing about you. I have already forgotten your favourite colour- was it blue or was it red? I remember you telling me you’re passionate about something. What was it? I see myself crying at night, clutching on to my phone, rereading old messages and replaying memories. Why am I letting you hurt me over and over again?
What frightens me the most is how I am willing to suffer all this if it means that we’ll be together in the end. But isn’t that the opposite of how you feel?
I feel like when you love someone, you’re giving the most vulnerable side to them. They can break your heart and drive you crazy. But you once told me that if during the relationship, if I hurt you too much and drive you too crazy, you’ll end things because you don’t think you deserve that kind of pain.
Isn’t loving giving up, taking a bet and hoping for the best until the very end?
Why can’t I move on? What is wrong with me? What was wrong with us? Why didn’t you stay with me when you found me falling apart? Why did you think leaving me altogether would heal me?
I feel so lost right now. So empty. I don’t remember the last time I felt truly happy and that terrifies me. Was it when I saw the blood coming through my skin? Was that happiness or was it pain? Was if when I was talking to you? But how can someone who made you smile and laugh so much cause you so much pain? I feel so lost. So fucking lost.
Isn’t it funny when someone suicides, everyone around the person keeps saying how they could have prevented it? But I feel like it’s happening in my own life, I feel like one of the dead teens who took their own life. Throughout this time, the only places I’ve been letting out my thoughts and emotions are twitter and tumblr. Knowing full well that there are some of my classmates following me, reading my tweets yet have not said a thing to me makes me wonder what would happen when I do take my own life this second. Maybe they’ll scroll down my twitter and read my tweets, wondering why they didn’t reach out and help me. But what I’m trying to say is that, most people don’t care enough about anyone to reach out and help them. Isn’t that sad? I honestly don’t care if they reach out or not to me at this moment, I rather they don’t. But isn’t it messed up how once you’re dead, they start caring? It’s so sick.