You know you love me.

I’m afraid to move on. I don’t want to move on. I want to get better, yet at the same time I want it to get worse. There’s nothing I can do now, if I can, I would fly to your country right now and just talk to you and make you understand. But even if I do go now, I wouldn’t know where to go.
When this realization hit me, I realized I know next to nothing about you. I have already forgotten your favourite colour- was it blue or was it red? I remember you telling me you’re passionate about something. What was it? I see myself crying at night, clutching on to my phone, rereading old messages and replaying memories. Why am I letting you hurt me over and over again?
What frightens me the most is how I am willing to suffer all this if it means that we’ll be together in the end. But isn’t that the opposite of how you feel?
I feel like when you love someone, you’re giving the most vulnerable side to them. They can break your heart and drive you crazy. But you once told me that if during the relationship, if I hurt you too much and drive you too crazy, you’ll end things because you don’t think you deserve that kind of pain.
Isn’t loving giving up, taking a bet and hoping for the best until the very end?
Why can’t I move on? What is wrong with me? What was wrong with us? Why didn’t you stay with me when you found me falling apart? Why did you think leaving me altogether would heal me?
I feel so lost right now. So empty. I don’t remember the last time I felt truly happy and that terrifies me. Was it when I saw the blood coming through my skin? Was that happiness or was it pain? Was if when I was talking to you? But how can someone who made you smile and laugh so much cause you so much pain? I feel so lost. So fucking lost.
Isn’t it funny when someone suicides, everyone around the person keeps saying how they could have prevented it? But I feel like it’s happening in my own life, I feel like one of the dead teens who took their own life. Throughout this time, the only places I’ve been letting out my thoughts and emotions are twitter and tumblr. Knowing full well that there are some of my classmates following me, reading my tweets yet have not said a thing to me makes me wonder what would happen when I do take my own life this second. Maybe they’ll scroll down my twitter and read my tweets, wondering why they didn’t reach out and help me. But what I’m trying to say is that, most people don’t care enough about anyone to reach out and help them. Isn’t that sad? I honestly don’t care if they reach out or not to me at this moment, I rather they don’t. But isn’t it messed up how once you’re dead, they start caring? It’s so sick.

Okay. I gave up with putting on my contact on my left eye. My eyelashes are so annoying and kept getting in the way, I had to take Out my eyelash curler to curl my eyelash. It’s kinda weird now because one eye feels so much “smarter” and my left eye is feeling dumb.
I’m hungry.
I just put on my biore nose peel. I used to use it every week, so damn addicting, but after learning that it made my pores big, I stopped.
BUT I DON’T CARE RIGHT NOW.
It makes me happy and I want to be happy so I’ll just have to mourn and hate myself for being so stupid in the future.
Ah and hell. I’m breaking out like crazy right now. Partly because I’ve stopped using my lemons because I’m too lazy at night, and also because I’ll so stressed out and over thinking about everything right now.
I like that tumblr somehow became my diary now.
Hmmm. I guess it’s good that I have so little followers then….

Life changing

It’s been a while now… And I don’t know where to start. This year, my biggest resolution I made for myself is to avoid falling for any guy in real life.
I just feel like there’s been so much pain and anger just because of guys. They left me scars on the inside and left me broken and untrusting.
Another change was that I fell for someone I’ve never known before. I’ve gone through that before. But for some reason, this time… I don’t know how long my feelings for him will last, but I can tell you they’re strong. My friends laugh at me for this every day… And all I can say is, you don’t understand me.
Tomorrow’s gonna be a life changing day. It’s my Chinese exam. Tomorrow’s the day to decide my future. Whether I will go back to grade nine, or continue with grade ten… Or leaving school for good. I don’t want to fail school. Or life. But… What can I do? I’ll do my best for the exam. But in the end, I can already predict my future. Unless god creates a miracle for me, there’s no way out.
My 2012 was filled with broken friendships. From losing a best friend, to losing the guy I liked…. But it was made up with new ones. New ones that I don’t necessary trust, but ones who I share my common interest with.
I’m thankful.
I’ll go on with whatever road god decides to bring me… But whatever road, I hope that there will always be someone helping me through.

Hate

I don’t hate anyone.

At least… That’s what I’m trying to convince myself.

Hating someone takes time, takes energy. Worst of all, the person you hate doesn’t even know that you hate him/ her. So there’s really no point hating. You’re just wasting your own time.

But most of the time, you don’t choose whether or not to like or hate a person. It’s just an emotion, a feeling you get instantly or grows slowly in you. If might even be confusing- that you don’t want to hate that person but you really didn’t choose to.

Me? I try not to let words hurt me. I try not to let people hurt me. I try to lock myself up. I try to block everyone out.

But I can be easily broken. My shield is not strong, but weak without power nor strength.

I loved without a reason. I forgave without thinking. But over time, I changed.

I wonder about the people around me. Who’s real and who’s fake. Who are my real friends and who aren’t.

I found myself thinking differently than before. Finding myself annoyed by the things I once loved. I found beauty in a lot of things.

I no longer wait for the perfect guy. But try to improve myself. To attract better guys.

Because, really. What’s the beauty of something so perfect that it seems photoshopped?

Imperfection is beautiful.
Accept others for how they are.
You can’t change others, but you can change how you think.
Live your life. Make it beautiful.